16 years old, and i dare to swim farther out

Hello,

I’m having issues, but with the march break, I think they’ll work themselves out slowly. Which is always good. Uhm..

I hung out with a friend, and it was good. I usually stay in, at home, cause I don’t really like.. well, I do, I just don’t have anyone? I do, but they usually do things, and self-invitation is so rude. I would never.

Hmm.. I don’t know. As always. Nothing too new.

I’ll work hard to convince my mother to get me a new cat. I think she just wants to get my prom dress first. Hehehe.

Well, I’m going to go waste my time with other things.

Sincerely,

Ruby Jean

let me belong here, break my fall

I don’t know about anything.

I think that, I can’t finish anything, once I start it, I have to give up, because I’m afraid of the end. I can’t get to the end of anything, I think.

I don’t know.. it feels like, I tell myself when something is ending, it’s not the end. But, it’s the end. And once I get it figured out, I’m so miserable. Sometimes, I want things to end so bad.. because I hate it so much. I can’t wait, and it feels like the things I want to end, won’t end at all.

I can’t ask for help. I don’t know if it’s because.. I am afraid of help. I am afraid of .. a lot. I’m so cranky, and I can’t deal with people, so I’m just sleeping. I need to get out of here. Can’t people just go away..? or something.. maybe.

I am always settling into people and then I get scared.. something happens, and I have to escape. I don’t know what to do. I’m such a fuck up. It feels like nothing I try comes out right, and it ends up so terrible. Where am I supposed to go to pick up the pieces?

Sometimes, I don’t think there are even pieces left to pick up it gets so fucked! I don’t understand anything, yet I fill my head with so much things to try and understand, and it gets so confusing, there just aren’t enough answers in this world to settle me.

I’m making myself physically sick now. Just now, I’m sick. I don’t feel myself getting better, I just feel myself slipping farther and farther into this hole. And I’ve been waiting, for this time, a light to come on, and I don’t think this time, one is going to come. I could be wrong, but it feels like, I’ve done this so many times, the light bulb has died, and there is no light left for me. Either I have to adjust to the darkness, or leave.

I always say to people I miss them.. but I don’t. I just don’t. I truly don’t until they are dead, and when I leave my house, the only thing I miss is my cats. I feel like I’m so weird? But I don’t want someone to tell me something is wrong. I don’t want to hear it! I don’t want to anymore. I just wish I was normal, and that I could deal with everything with my head up and get over it all. But the thing is, I really can’t. Not without books, or pills, or fucking people. Telling me what I am supposed to do, because they know best. They don’t even know who I am, they just know anyway.

I’m so frustrated. I wondered what forces someone to want to die? and do the things they do? I wonder if it’s death that causes us all to think.. this is the one time I get to do this? I don’t know, and I don’t want to think about it, but I am.

My nose is burning, and tired. My mouth has the worst taste in it, and I feel like I can’t get up and move without everything hurting. I’m dirty, and sweaty, and I can’t get myself to turn the tap on to sit in a bath. I want to drink so much water it makes me sick. I always think I’m a monster, and if I wasn’t before, I’m turning into one now for sure. My face is turning pale and pimples are popping up out of no where. My skin is dry and cracking, my stomach growls to be fed, but I’m just not hungry. And food keeps making me feel sick. Every vein and artery is showing on my skin, in reds and blues. My hands moving this much to type has them burning uncomfortably. I don’t know what’s wrong, and I usually just grow out of this feeling. This time it doesn’t feel like it’s going away.

I think they call it depression. At least, to have a name for it. Because I’m sure if  a doctor where to observe me, I wouldn’t be physically sick. I’m just telling myself I am, and now I feel that way. Or maybe I really am sick, and I’m just telling myself that I’m telling myself.

I wish the phone would quit ringing. I wish things would stop ringing in my ears. I just want music, so loud, and to never stop.

I feel so stupid. I’m just watching things fall to pieces, and I’m telling myself, tell someone, they’ll help you fix it, hold it together and when someone says.. “are you ok?” my stupid mouth just says. “Yes.”

But I’ve been watching this fall for so long now, and I know myself well enough, to know that, this isn’t alright. And I want the phone to stop FUCKING ringing. Just for once, stop ringing. Stop ringing. Just for once, stop falling apart. Just for once, stay together. JUST FOR ONCE.. let me be normal. Just for once. Stop.

I feel stupid, useless, a waste of someone’s life. To think of all those people who die, and are so great.. and do so much to change the world. And I can’t even function enough to say.. help me fix this all.

I can’t even function at all. I just want to read.

Take me away from here.

Please.

Sincerely,

Ruby Jean

you can’t out grow something sewn under your skin

I am really not enjoying people.

I’m frustrated. Is there something I am doing to make people want to.. I don’t know.. I feel like I am a good friend! So why is everyone being this way to me? I don’t get it. I’m trying to be nice, and give help, and then I get in trouble for it. And I’m told I’m horrible, or.. yelled at. And if I ask for help, it’s ignored.

I don’t know why I thought going back to her would be different now. Because it’s not. At all, it feels worse, cause now we have a gap between us even bigger than before. I want to escape people, I’m so frustrated. I hate people.

This is what happens when you let yourself trust people like I do. Each and every time, they just let me down and disappointment, and I end up in tears. Or angry, and feeling anti-social.

I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m so lost. Where am I supposed to go from here? It’s so weird, I was so lonely, but I loved being alone all the time.. and so, I want to be. Again. And I know it will be very lonely, but at least, I’ll be happier, I think. At least, I won’t be around people who are causing me to act this way. At least.. at least.. at least.

I don’t know what’s best.

Can I just disappear now?

Sincerely,

Ruby Jean

where i lay my head, that’s where i call home

Hello,

I have to write a poem for tomorrow, for class, that I have to read out loud, and I hate that. I think that poetry is something that comes from one’s heart, and when you read it out loud, you are giving away a part of yourself, and for someone like me, that is really hard to do. I am uncomfortable with the idea of sharing myself with all those people, face to face at least. They know my name, my face, that’s fair enough. You know me inside. But I won’t let you know my outside.

I only share both sides, inside and out, with the people who mean the most to me. This blog means a lot to me, but part of it, to mean a lot to me, is to hide what I am. Or, what I look like. So I can’t say that just because you don’t know my real name, or the face that matches it you don’t mean much to me. Because, you do.

Oh, it’s confusing!

I guess when you love someone you are supposed to be able to reveal the purest parts of your heart. I just don’t know if any part of me is pure! I’m not sure.. it’s kinda scary. I always think, that all humans, no matter what have something pure about them, and that they don’t deserve to die, because of that. So I guess that applies to me.. a bit, even if I’m a monster, I suppose I have some human qualities around me. Everyone is born innocent into this world and sometimes it’s unfair, that they have to lose it, whether sooner or later. And sometimes, people don’t take it well, and they do things, we see as wrong, and so we try to destroy it. Secretly, I think everyone in the world wants to keep everything innocent and pure, but it’s part of human nature to destroy anything that might take that away.

I don’t understand people, so I don’t think I am one most of the time. People were born people, and I guess I assume all the time, people born people should know and understand people as well. But, there’s too many people. Then we all think we’re so different, and we all get lonely. And we all get scared. Then something in this world, makes us realize we aren’t alone, and we aren’t the only ones scared, and that helps us place our fear else where. And sometimes, people don’t have the moment that teaches them they aren’t alone. And to me, I think that’s the scariest thing of all in this whole entire world. To think you’re alone. Til the last moment. We’re naturally social. We’re naturally cruel. We’re naturally wishful. We’re naturally afraid. We’re naturally loving.

Something in that is making us really equal, and I think sometimes no one gets to notice these things, and that’s so scary. I want the world to know how equal we are. I just don’t know where to begin. That’s the hardest part, getting to the starting line.

Then I have to reach the finish, something tells me, that once I start running, I’ll know, I’ll make it to the finish with almost no trouble at all.

Sincerely,

Ruby Jean

the blame still won’t end when you are dead

Urg.

Everything seemed to be going so good, then he had to message me, and have a stupid fight. Now he’s gone.

And I keep saying to myself, it’s not my fault, but the back of my head, is like.. it’s your fault. And the back of my head seems to speak the truth sometimes. I feel, if I had kept his behavior a secret. Maybe.. but I don’t know. I was scared too, and I felt like.. why should I? And now, watching him walk up the street. I wanted to open the door and scream

“You fucking coward.” and just cry.

I want to burn his stuff. I want to destroy everything.

And at the same time, I want to crawl into bed and cry until I almost throw up. Then I’ll tell myself, that’s enough and I’ll sleep. I feel like.. there was nothing I did too wrong, but I’m sorry he had to leave. And I guess I’m sorry about my last words to him. And maybe we’ll speak again. But, I don’t know if I’ll respond. I’m angry. Because, that could have been me, and I’m angry because..

he let it be him.

I may be a monster, but he’s a demon. And I’m trying to change.

He’s not trying at all.

And there, is where I stand, we are at either pole of the world. And I’m not sure who gets what side?

Mom reported him missing, so now the police are looking for him, and then, maybe he’ll have a bed to sleep in, and food. And someone. Anyone near him. We have to lock our windows. And I’m scared. I’m scared to lock it, and I’m scared that I have to, and I’m scared about him. I’m so sorry it had to end this way, and I don’t understand why it had to.

But watching him walk up that street, was like watching someone die. I feel I should tell myself he’s gone now, so I can be prepared, and that feels so horrible. I don’t have anyone to talk to. Everyone is sleeping.

I need someone please.

Sincerely,

Ruby Jean

i wonder if it’s ok, for one day, me to fall in love and become a normal girl

Hello!

Hmm, so I guess a couple of things have happened, since my last entry. The boy staying at my house, we caught him doing drugs again, and the biggest rule for him to stay, was to stay sober. He didn’t. We gave him a choice, to leave his drug friends behind, and stay here, or go with his drug friends, and leave here.

He’s supposed to make his choice today. So, today is decision day! Isn’t it?

I read so much post secret today! That I wanted to tell a bunch of secrets. But, I didn’t. Instead, I decided to save the courage for telling secrets, to tell something else instead. To someone else. I’ve been so shy to tell him I like him, and I was afraid he’d not want to go to prom, and I told myself I was much happier being friends, and things, but.. I’m not really, at all. So I can’t settle until I’ve said it.

I feel like I shouldn’t, but I always have felt like I shouldn’t do a lot, and most of the time, the things I feel I should do, turn out, I shouldn’t do them at all. That’s why today is decision day. I guess.

He’s been avoiding me, Nathan, the boy staying here. He doesn’t want to talk to me, cause I nicely called him a liar. Which is the truth, so in telling him he’s a liar, I wasn’t a liar. And so forth, but he doesn’t like being called a liar. Who does? But, that’s what he is.

So, I told him, that I wanted to be able to believe the things he says, but I don’t. That it was unfair what he did, and so on. I was very upset, and cried earlier before, and I was angry more than sad. I was angry that he would disrespect my family, and myself. More my family. I usually don’t expect much more than for boys to disrespect me. But hey, he’s drawing the line doing it to my family!

My sister is so sweet, and gentle hearted, she thinks that since she doesn’t lie to anyone, they wouldn’t dare lie back to her. But, the reality is, people do lie to her. And he’s one of them. It’s heart breaking to hear her believing him, because she believes, he only needs someone to believe him. And I tried that, I thought so too, but after a while, I was sick of hearing all those lies. She’s so innocent. It’s sweet, and sad at the same time.

I really can’t forgive someone who lies to her. Really!

Frankly, I can’t forgive someone who lies to ANYONE in my family, but especially her. I love my older sister a lot, and she’s so sweet. I love my dad a lot too, and he causes my dad unneeded stress, and that bothers me. But I feel I can’t just ask him to go sleep on a bench again either. So he has to follow rules.

Otherwise, I’m just going to get so angry, I don’t care. I was actually so angry yesterday, I told myself, he deserves to sleep on a bench. Which was horrible, no one does. I don’t believe anyone deserves to homeless, or sentenced to death, or anything.

Anyway, speaking on unneeded stress, my mom is reporting the house he did drugs at, cause it’s like a … well a drug house. That’s all that happens. And I feel so terrible, like that’s my fault, and I shouldn’t because, drugs are bad, but I feel like I am destroying their lives. Even if their lives weren’t right. You knowwww?

So, I feel pretty nervous as well, that they’ll take it out on me, and my family. And so on, as I am nervous all the time, and over-react to things, that are very simple. Hmmm.. I don’t know.

Oh well, I’m going to go now, because my sister wants me to go to sobey’s with her. I am nervous to check facebook, I think he(Nathan), might have sent angry messages. -sigh.-

My bad.

Sincerely,

Ruby Jean

i can hear you, i can hear you loud and clear, stop shouting in my ear

Hi, hi,

I think I’ve picked a prom dress. Weird, I never though I would.

I never, ever, thought. Life would be like this, to tell you the truth, I thought, I would be dead right now. Sad.

And I am so glad, that I am not. Which, I never thought I would be. It’s funny how the future works on people, and the world begins to grow on your heart, and there are people that make you smile so much you don’t want to make them frown. And.. there are books.

And right now, I feel like.. things are so nice. It feels unbelievable. And that’s a little sad, to think, I don’t believe it all. But my heart is so happy, and my face is so hot, I can’t stop giving off tiny smile every now and then thinking, this is life.

And things are working, and I am actually excited to go into photography next year. It’s so weird. WEIRD that things could work out. Hmm, I feel like when things work, I don’t have anything to talk about, and that sucks. The things I talk about when I am happy, are things that cross my imagination, when I am sitting somewhere and staring into nothing. EXCEPT, not nothing, everything, because when I stare at it, I think, there is so much to that, tiny, so much tiny things.

Everything tiny collects to make something so big, and, and, the world is pretty wonderful? and so curious too!

The world is wonderful and curious.

I am loading myself with new music, and that makes me happy as well, and my kitty has started to sleep with me everynight, and.. well, I am going to prom with the boy I like. AND.. well, well, life.

Hehe.

Sincerely,

Ruby Jean

i like to fight my battles with the eyes

Dear Readers,

I can say that life is moving smoothly. I guess, if life can move that way. I feel like I need to get back into certain activities, because I have been so wrapped up in reading, that I literally was turning into a book myself. I could feel my skin turning to paper, it was old and crummy, but smelled like ink and adventures. I could feels the hairs all over my body morph into words about me, and at first I was frightened, but my clothes covered everything that was private. I settled into my new self, although I had to leave. I was tried of people looking at my ugly cover, and ignoring me on the shelf.

I guess, I jumped out of my skin, and I’m a human again. Although, with less contact with books, I feel too open, and the wind keeps blowing right through me. I keep getting really cold randomly, and I don’t like it! I feel like I need to be smothered in a blanket at all times. I also have not been sleeping to perfection.

I don’t go to sleep until 1 am. I know, that’s bad. But, I’m reading! Either out loud to my cat, or to myself. I am going to bed soon, cause it takes me about an hour to get to sleep, so if I go to bed earlier tonight, I should be able to sleep but at least.. 11:30.

Did I tell you I am going to prom with the boy I like? Hehe, I am excited, but I just wish I could tell him I like him!

I asked my friend, if you liked someone a lot, should you just tell them, and she told me I should. I think she knew who I was talking about, but she humours me sometimes, if she even understands that. Oh well, I’ll give her credit, she’s been helping me very much! She was the one that told me to ask, ask, ask away! And was there when I was freaking out in the time period between the asking, and the answer. Which wasn’t long, but felt like an eternity.

Which is funny, because apparently, eternity never ends, which I suppose is like infinity, or forever. But, don’t you think that infinity and eternity seem nicer? Or like less time. FOREVER is just so big. Eternity actually doesn’t sound nice, it sounds like being punished. You’ll be banished to hell for ALL OF ETERNITY. Not so nice.

Infinity.

That seems so nice, like bouncing off the clouds, high into the sky, and landing into a soft cotton candy mountain that smells of flowers and light hand cream. HMM.

I am so cold, and I want to cuddle into myself, and my teddy and blankets, and sleep, into infinity.

Since you go into infinity, it seems like it’s your choice, rather then, being somewhere for eternity, or living with something forever.

Hmmmmmmmm. I’ve got lots and lots of thoughts, some to big for my head, so I have to write them down, some to small to even be remembered, but I know they are there, and they are living, living, living, in and beneath my hair!

I am kinda bored? I should sleep. Yep. Good idea. I am upsetting someone. I can’t do anything with her, she’s too far away, I think. I don’t want to say it. But this is not who I am, I mean, I can’t with someone so far, besides, I really like him. Sometimes, I don’t know why I have to be so mean, and continue being mean by lying so!?

If I were honest, would it be more mean? Can’t we forget this topic of conversation and go back to smiling? Please. I suppose not, this is the way life goes, but regardless of all this. Life is smooth. Like still water.

Sincerely,

Ruby Jean

a little less conversation

I’m just wondering, very quickly, with no back up to my question for once. For you to think on it.

Why are people so afraid of words?

Sincerely,

Ruby Jean

i wish i had a river i could skate away on

Dear Readers,

I have too much swimming in my head, it feels heavy, and is making me very unhappy. I’m not even sure why, but I feel like I should stop reading romance graphic novels, because they make me so confused. I think things like.. I wish that would happen to me, or.. why is it I can’t be like that? and things like that, that make my self-confidence seem to fade away. I am not really implying I have much of a self-confidence as it is.

I just wish I could be a little more.. I don’t know, not so shy?

I asked the boy I liked to prom, and he said yes. And I thought, I am so happy, and I haven’t been this happy in a long time. Then I was a little sad that.. I can’t be that happy all the time. I can’t even talk to the person I like without seizing up. And everyone is like, being shy is cute, but it’s FRUSTRATING, AND GROSS. I hate it so much, I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!

All I can do, is stare at him, and smile when he looks at me. I can’t say to him “I like you,” and he probably thinks we are going to prom as friends, and for the longest time, I was ok with things like that. I thought, it’s ok, if we can at least be friends. But, now it’s not ok. Not anymore. I’m tired of just being friends. I’m so lonely, and all my friends have boyfriends/girlfriends, and it makes me feel even more lonely! And when people like me, I can’t like them back. I mean, if they like me, and I just see them as a friend, and I try to like them, because I know it sucks, but it just ends up being super shitty. So, this time I decided I wouldn’t try to like someone if I knew already, I didn’t like them like that. And.. not get their hopes up or something, I don’t know. But now I just feel shitty again, and I am probably making them feel kinda shitty too, and it’s so confusing.

I don’t even know how to go about changing this in anyway. I just want to scream as loud as I can, at the world, for making me shy. I want to say its my fault, like I have all my life, but sometimes, it’s just not. And sometimes, it makes me feel better about it, if I just blame something else. Not someone else, just something. So the world in general, and all that makes genetics and stupid things. Everyone always says, be patient, someone will come along.

But I’m so tired of being patient, not to mention, I’m the least patient person on the planet, and I’m so tired of being lonely, that I don’t want to wait anymore! It’s so frustrating. I just want to get to know the person I like, but I feel like I’m saying too much, over-whelming him, and being weird! And he just says the same things over and over when we IM, and it feels like.. he just doesn’t care enough to talk to me.. because I’m the same as everyone else to him. I just want him to see that I’m not the usual girl! I never feel like the usual girl anyway. I might as say I’m not.

And I don’t even feel like I can explain this to him, because I think he’ll be like.. ew, how weird. And I just don’t know what to do, I am so lost when it comes to liking the opposite sex. I help other people with their relationships, by telling them to talk, and I can’t even get INTO a relationship.

I think too much, and things. So maybe that’s why.

I’m so angry about this. I can’t believe myself, I feel like a kid. Wanting to just lie on the floor and scream and cry until I can’t anymore!

I can’t though. I’m supposed to be older now. So I can’t, but I can still WANT to.

I need loud music. And I need to calm down, and oddly, think. Even though I appear to be doing that too much already.

Sincerely,

Ruby Jean

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